Deciding to spend the rest of my life as my husband’s wife was not the easiest decision I’ve made. Being a wife was scary, being a step-mom was scarier. On top of the normal fears that come with marriage, I constantly questioned whether or not I could be a parent. I did what every new parent does, I jumped in with both feet. I researched till I was frozen in fear, then I went out and did it my own way. I busted my butt a lot and stood with pride other times.
Step-parenting comes with a set of blessings and obstacles and unless I am overly positive it seems like I’m not allowed to speak about it, not publicly. There is a truth in step-parenting; it’s a tightrope you never quite learn to walk. It comes with unspoken rules and regulations. Those rules and regulations are constantly changing.
For one, you have to find a way to be a parent, without being a parent. My sole job as a step-parent is to be a bonus parent. When a kid has two parents they adore, what does bonus parent even mean?
Then I must remember that I wasn’t there for years before I met her dad. I will never forget the first time my step-daughter said, “You don’t get it, Dad does, he’s been there.” Shot. To. The. Heart. I realized at that moment, I am the one that walked in and changed the rules. I often don’t know whether to feel pride or guilt about this.
Not to mention, you will get used to the rules and then you will change them with a biological child of your own. It is something I can’t explain, but I struggle with daily hourly. Where’s the balance of the pride in the creation of a tiny human and the nurturing and empathy for the child who looks at you as a constant reminder that mommy and daddy are not married.
Lets not forget, your step-child has been around longer than you have. There are families to build relationships with, lots of families. When I chose to become a wife I also auditioned for the title step-mom, it went like this: Meet a boy. Fall in love with boy. Juggle balls. Spin plates. Illustrate homework skills and leftover dinner magic. Marry Boy. Honeymoon. Have another child. These auditions didn’t just happen for my husband, they happened for my step-daughter’s mom, her grandparents and a slew of others. It is an exhausting ride, but one that I am a better person for (and pretty thankful I got the starring role as step-mom).
I wouldn’t change any of this, but I should be able to talk about it. I see mom blogs, and we laugh, cry and celebrate motherhood, but very rarely do I see the step-parenting side discussed. Noticing this, I reached out to a few friends who are step-parents themselves. Do you know what the main complaint was?
It wasn’t that it was hard. It wasn’t a complaint about anyone else in the family. It wasn’t about the step-child. It was a simple complaint, “I feel like I am alone in all this, and I am not allowed to talk about it.” You see we can all complain and celebrate motherhood, it’s come to be an art form of mom-bloggers the world over. The existence of this in step-parenting is scarce.
I want that to change. I got with a couple friends, we talked, we chatted. We decided, let’s do it, let’s create a venue for step-parents to unite. So we are starting small, with just a forum. Moving forward with demand to get-together and the elusive play dates with the kids, because let’s face it, being a step-kid is hard work. There needs to exist a place where we step-parents can figure things out together. We shouldn’t feel alone watching from the sidelines; let’s cheer and carry on like mad people from the side-lines. Enter Step-Parenting in the Red Stick.
Our hope is that we can start a safe place for growth as parents, as step-parents, as people. A forum where we can learn from each others trials an triumphs. A place we can laugh about the little things that make us, us. If you are a step-parent in Baton Rouge or the surrounding area, we invite you to join the forum here.
I think a lot of the taboo nature surrounding TALKING about step-parenting is because most people don’t understand and are too nervous to imagine what their life would be like if someone else was helping raise their child for whatever reason. I get that. But adoptive parents, or even family members that have to take over amidst tragedy (just to name a few examples)… those people, along with step parents, deserve the right the own the feelings of parenting. The good and the bad! If parents can love multiple children in different ways, then children are capable of loving multiple adults in different ways. Thank you for writing this article, and your blog. And thank you for making it okay to talk about these things.