“You got your hands full, don’t you?” they say and chuckle.
Sometimes I laugh with them but most times I am not amused. It’s the moment when the my boys who are 21 months apart, are flying, screaming, shooting bad guys, yelling or punching each other, arguing…the list goes on. They are 3 and 5. People ask me all the time if my kids are twins. Most of the time I say no, but on our bad days I say yes. It sure feels like it.
We make an entrance wherever we go. I mean for once, I would love to blend in with the crowd. Not stand out. Not get looks. Not have other people stop to make a comment. Not have to avoid eye contact with people. Just not get watched…ya know what I mean?
Today we are headed to Disney. Happiest place on earth right? What they don’t tell you is the way there will be quite the opposite with children. I’ll spare you the details but imagine me by myself with a double stroller, 3 carry-ons and a backback and two wild boys. Lets just say you need a system rigged right in order to steer all that in one direction without losing a bag or a kid. A sight to see, I promise you.
So there I am looking disheveled, and telling my kids to stop shooting imaginary guns at people and telling them to stay with me in the airport and in comes the same comment I hear over and over.
“You have your hands full.”
I am not sure why, but this time it was different. A light bulb went off. I do. I do have my hands full. Most days I feel like I cant keep up, like all I do is break up fights and threaten punishment until they are eighteen. But what if….what if my hands were empty?
What if they weren’t there. If I never had a chance to be a mom. Never had them. Or God forbid, I lost them. I could not bare it. My mama heart would ache so badly I am not sure how I would go on. They are my babies. They fill my hands with struggle but they fill my heart with meaning and love and are the best gift I have ever been given. It is only by God’s grace I have them because I do not deserve them.
Most days I feel like I am not doing this motherhood thing right. My kids are a lot and take a lot out of me. Motherhood is a call to be selfless. Its hard! Its exhausting. But I am a mom! They are mine. I carried them and brought them into this world. That was hard work too. But once they placed those boys in my hands, they were full. I pray they always are.
So the next time someone decides to remind me, my new reply will be: It sure beats having them empty, right?
Because it does. They are my world.